So, I ask you…

“Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?”

Well, it wasn’t the Devil, exactly. But this much is certain….

I almost died. Came very close, actually…perhaps too close.

To digress a bit…recently I’ve written several entries for this here Journal. One included a link to photos, images I’ve captured in the last few months in my travels…but I couldn’t get the link to work. It’s one of those “store your online photos here” sites…and short of giving everyone a password to it, I can’t get it to work the way I think it should.

I started a few topics…but they still await completion. None moved me the way that I like, the way that causes me to want to publish something here. So I kept writing, and working on what I already had written.

On Wednesday October 4, 2006 I was traveling, as I’ve been doing every other week. I had just finished a great meal at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and was returning to my hotel room about 10 pm when I became painfully aware that I had a kidney stone, which would be my seventh occurrence. No, I don’t know what causes them…yes, I’m taking precautions to prevent return visits, so to speak. I don’t drink unfiltered water or any kind of soft drink (except Gatorade Rain). I try to be sure and drink a lot of fluids. I don’t eat rolls of Rolaids or Tums (like I used to do to fix my recurring heartburn and acid reflux…Prilosec changed all that—thankfully.)

As for the pain…I’ve been told that my maternal grandfather would cry when he got them, and this was a man who raised sixteen children pretty much on his own—he was not one of weak character. It’s been said that it’s the closest pain a man can feel to childbirth. I’m not saying that there’s a similarity—I’m sure childbirth is way more painful, but it’s also a natural development, one that occurs and proceeds pretty much the way it’s supposed to. Kidney stones are not. Try and imagine a cramping, clenching, spastic kind of pain…sharp but undulating. When you get the first stone you’ll do just about anything to make it stop. When the next occurrence arrives (years, months or weeks later) you’ll recognize the sharp spasms as they first appear and prepare for what will likely be hours of suffering.

That night, after about six hours had elapsed–which included two hours of pacing, various attempts to sit/lie down and be moderately comfortable, and about four hot baths–I gave up and had the front desk where I was staying (in Sierra Vista, AZ) call for an ambulance. I didn’t know where the hospital was there…didn’t frankly care at that point either.

I was released about eight hours later…I was given a prescription for pain medication and told to go home (which in my case was back to the hotel room) and pass the stone. In the times before I’ve had kidney stones, it usually ends the same way. The pain center changes, follows a path down into your groin (your urethra)…and ends in your bladder, where you wait for the strange feeling of passing the stone through the end of your urethra. It doesn’t hurt as much as it is a curious and somewhat uncomfortable sensation, as guys aren’t used to feeling something hard coming out of where it comes out.

After a few days I was able to drive back to Tucson, respectful as I was of the pain medication and my weakened condition. And things did not get better…the next day the pain was plastered all along my right side…and it was terrible. I was pretty sure I had felt the stone pass through my urethra on its way to my bladder, but I did not have evidence that I had actually passed it.

There had been an occurrence prior to this—Stone Number Three–when I felt a sharp pain not only as it exited the kidney and started down the urethra, but also the pain within the kidney remained. I panicked at this, visiting an ER in Phoenix (also early in the morning), thinking there could be two stones. I was later told that it was damage to the interior of the kidney that was the cause of that pain…I passed that stone during a bathroom visit while being administered to by the triage nurse. See, there are two schools of thought…one, wait out the passing of the stone; two, drink copious amounts of water and force the stone out, which is much quicker but also much more painful. I had drunk a couple of gallons of water, and could not urinate…so the urge to pee usually means the stone is on its way out.

This is what I thought had happened that Sunday night…that the stone had passed and it was just small damage to the kidney that was the cause of the pain. But meantime I was running a fever and felt out of it…taking the pain pills caused my temperature to rise at least another 3-5 degrees, and I would begin to sweat profusely.

I won’t at this time go into more detail…about the ER that examined me a day or so later, did NOT xray me or use any kind of scan, and abruptly declared, “we know you probably have an infection, but we don’t know where it is or how to treat it, so here’s some pain medication…go home and call your doctor.” Or about the nitwit receptionist who was filling in at my doctor’s office and who kept asking me the most idiotic questions about things over and over, often asking the same questions hours after I had already given her my answers.

Let’s just say that I found myself in another ER several days later, after several hours facing a doctor who told me they were going to have to admit me, as my white blood cell count was “over 20,000” (the normal count is between 4500-10,000); I had a fever, marking an infection; my kidney was torn up inside by several stones, one of which had lodged in the urethra and caused my kidney to essentially burst and rupture, flooding the interior of my abdomen with urine. That was the source of the awful pain…and had the previous ER that had sent me home made an xray or any kind of scan, they would have seen that too.

I got an injection loaded with painkillers…within an hour I was again overheated by it. My hospital gown, the sheet on the bed, my hair, etc. was soaked with sweat. Later that night I tried to sleep…I saw stuff. I mean, STUFF.  I can’t talk about most of it…don’t want people to think I’m nuts. It could’ve been the result of all that was wrong with me, causing me to hallucinate. That’s not what I think, though. I was SUPPOSED to see the stuff…but not necessarily to understand it…at least, right now.

They put a stent inside me…a hollow tube inside my kidney and down through my urethra. This was to promote healing and to help catch the other stones. And gradually I recovered.

So here we are today. The stent will be removed soon. I’m not sure why or how this all happened or how to prevent it again. I will be back at work in a few days, and I suppose all will be back to normal. Or as normal as things can be after you’ve knocked on the door to the Afterlife and have been welcomed inside…if only for a little while.

Ahhh yes, flying. How else to quickly traverse great distances?

Well, I would rather have root canals done to every tooth on an entire side of my face than travel that way.

Hey I’m a high-tech geek…I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. And I’m also a big science-fiction guy. I embrace technology–I realize that in order to explore the stars we had to have airplane flight. And I’ve heard all the arguments about how safe it is…more people die in car accidents in one day than in one month of air travel, or something like that.

Yeah, whatever. But when I see all the debris strewn about on the Evening News when one wasn’t so safe, well….

I mean, let’s face it…planes are heavier than air. Cartoon characters might magically hang in air for a few seconds after running off a cliff or when the jetpack or rocket they’re riding runs out of fuel, but the laws of physics have always been mysteriously toothless where ‘toons are concerned. Gravity is at its most merciless where huge heavy objects are concerned; and when my car runs out of fuel I pretty much…drift off harmlessly to the side of the road.

So these have always been arguments against air travel…but now there’s a whole ‘nother reason to have a fear of flying, and it goes like this: September 11, 2001. Ever since that horribly tragic day that changed all our lives (and our way of life) forever, the question has always been not so much where, but when? How do you know that any one or more of your fellow travelers on your plane there aren’t terrorists-in-hiding, people who secretly carry a death wish toward Western society in general and Americans in particular?”It couldn’t happen again…we’re too cautious now.” Yeah, well 99% of Americans didn’t think it could happen the first time either.

Believe me, if you find yourself in that situation, the best thing you can hope for is a fate like those tragic but unselfish and courageous heroes of Flight 93…whose hijacked plane plowed up acres of real estate near Shanksville, PA; saving the US Capitol (according to Al-Qaeda, who referred to it as “The Faculty of Law”) from a similarly fiery World Trade Center scenario.

“So…Mister So-Called Wise Writer…what are we to do? Never fly again…or fly in terror, our hearts in our throats; our knuckles white with fear?”

That, my friends, is exactly what they WANT us to do! That’s why they’re called TERRORists.

The nation that gave us much of what we are today has been through more than this before…in the First and Second World War, in the Irish Republican Army attacks. The British have a view that perhaps we should learn and adopt…http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1438424/posts .

No, we cannot give up our way of life. How would we vacation (especially with the cost of gasoline what it is)? How would we be able to conduct business in our corporate world?

How could I now sit here in Greenfield, IN…outside in the sun by the pool, drinking 7&7s and smoking a cigar, listening to Van Morrison on this here iPaq whilst I type these words? 

In the late afternoon of 9/11 while watching CNN I was reminded of words made famous by history…words that I kept thinking about over and over…words that have since been used by many in the same way I thought of them then….

When the bombing of Pearl Harbor was complete, an aide came to Japanese Admiral Yamamoto’s room to rouse him from sleep and inform him that the attack was an apparent success. Yamamoto thought a moment, then said “I fear we have awakened a sleeping giant, and filled him with a terrible resolve.”

Those words ring oh so true today. We must be that Sleeping Giant…we must find within ourselves that Terrible Resolve.

While many find Friday nights are for fun and excitement, socializing and partying, my schedule often has me working into the later hours of that night. Such it was not long ago, when I was finishing up merchandising products in a local Hispanic supermarket. By the end of the week I’m usually pretty tired and anxious to get done, get home and relax…this week seemed even more so than usual.

I walked out of the store at the completion of my tasks and saw a man standing under one of the few street lights in the parking lot, right by a cart return station. He was playfully scuffling with a dog that he held in his arms, a sort of border collie. As I grew closer I saw that he appeared to be both blind and homeless. He had a beat-up white cane tucked under his arm, and a worn backpack was slung over the other.

Under nearly any circumstance the man would have stood out…he was kind of hard to miss, the only brightly lit object to be found in that lot. However, upon later reflection it is clear to me now that I, particularly, was not to miss him.

Within my belief system lies the idea that we are all put here to help each other–I often give money to homeless people and panhandler sorts. I know that they likely use that money for cigarettes or alcohol, but that’s not my concern. I can’t control what they use it for…and after all, mine is a world based on individual free choices. I have provided them with cash–I have done my part–it’s not my money any more, but theirs to spend (or waste) as they wish.

As I approached the man, his dog now lying by his feet, I could see that he now held a steel bowl with paper taped to it, on which he had written some Bible verses—quotes from the Scriptures. There were other words as well, in a language I could not understand. I placed a couple of dollar bills in his bowl and studied his face. He looked to be Caucasian, middle-aged with handsome sharp-edged features…his eyes were almost completely closed and he was somewhat unshaven but was absent any facial hair. He greeted me and thanked me for my contribution. His voice was clear and somewhat tenor, and his language and diction showed him to be intelligent and well educated. I glanced down at his dog. The poor animal was badly in need of a bath and a good brushing and grooming, but its eyes were clear and bright. As I walked away I told him “May God bless you,” which I say to nearly all the homeless/disadvantaged people I meet.

I arrived at my work van and emptied into it the various empty boxes I had accumulated from my visit to the store. I got into the driver’s seat and started away, through the parking lot and towards home…but I could not leave.

Now, I’m not a deeply religious person…but I do believe in a Higher Power of some sort. I have a spiritual nature that allows me to understand and accept what others might question.

By my recollection I drove away and turned around three times…each time that I tried to leave I was overcome with a terrible sense of responsibility…but to whom? To this homeless blind man and his dog, that I did not know? It was getting late…many thoughts flashed through my mind: I was very tired and had yet to eat dinner myself…I had only a little money left that I could have spent to help him.…he wasn’t my responsibility—I can’t help ALL the homeless people, now can I? What was I to do?

Why couldn’t I just be content with leaving him behind, going ahead with my life and he with his? In my tired and hungry state, I kept trying to justify it, driving away but then turning around, realizing it just wasn’t right.

The final time I drove back I was fervently hoping that perhaps he had moved on, wasn’t there anymore. But as I got closer I could see that he was still under that streetlight, his dog still at his feet. I parked nearby and approached him again…I knew what I was going to do…what I would say.

“Hello again,” I greeted him; “are you and your companion hungry?”

“Yes,” he responded. He lowered his head somewhat as he said it.

The answer was such that I will never forget. It was full of more honesty than any other I had ever received. Also present in his tone were sorrow but pride, pain but also faith. He drew it out a bit; then clipped it off, said it almost with resignation to his present condition. I cannot begin to properly imitate the manner in which he spoke that simple word.

“I was hoping to get enough”–he shook the bowl, and I could hear a bit of change inside it–“to go shopping inside the store. But I don’t know….” His voice trailed off.

“I’m going to help you with that. Please–wait right here if you would–I’ll see to it that you have something to eat. I’ll be back in a few moments,” I told him.

I had already searched my memory for any fast-food places or taco stands that might be nearby or still open. I hastily walked back into the store…what to get him? The Deli was already closed, so hot food was out of the question–my first choice. I even went so far as to ask some of the employees still working there if there was any hot food left…but to no avail. Trying to think clearly through my weariness and the low blood sugar state I was fast approaching…what to get? The store was fairly small and there wasn’t a lot of selection…and I wasn’t all that familiar with Mexican cuisine and its possibilities. I moved to the pet food aisle and grabbed a small bag of dog food; found a gallon jug of water, then a small bowl for his dog. Lastly I picked up three small cans of Vienna sausages and a package of flour tortillas, hoping that would be enough. As I was short on cash I was trying to keep a running total in my head as I went.

Seven dollars and sixty-four cents. Such a small amount for two that likely needed it so much! But, it was nearly all that I had, and I was also cognizant of his condition…it’s not likely that he had any way of storing or carrying a lot of groceries. I imagined the backpack to be one of his few possessions, and it likely containing the rest of them.

I saw him still standing there as I walked out into the night again, perhaps more than a little hopeful that I would keep my promise and return. I showed him the contents of the shopping cart, explaining as I went, guiding his hands over the items there. I wasn’t sure how much eyesight he really had…I figured he would tell me if he couldn’t see or didn’t understand.

“Okay…here’s a bag of dog food for your companion…here’s a gallon of water for both of you, and a bowl for him to drink from. I’m sorry, the Deli was closed inside, so I couldn’t get you any hot food. But I got you these cans of Vienna sausages…”—“Oh good, good” he said, voicing his approval—“and some flour tortillas that you can wrap them inside, or to eat separately,” I continued.

He thanked me profusely. I shook his hand and he took it into both of his…I told him, in a voice that was starting to waver, “I believe we have a responsibility here to take care of each other.”

“I believe that too,” he said.

Then I added–again, what I nearly always say–”May God bless you!” I had tears in my eyes and emotion was getting the better of me.

“May God bless you as well, my friend! I know He’s watching right now,” he said, in a way that seemed to reach inside me the way his previous answer had. I nodded and smiled, and stepped back a bit before my emotions completely overcame me. He slipped his collection bowl into his backpack, and he now began pushing the shopping cart toward the sidewalk, seeking refuge behind the store to enjoy his meal–such as it was. I started to walk briskly to the van, and in a voice choked with emotion I called back over my shoulder, “He needs to watch over you!”

I got in and started to drive away. With my eyes full of tears I said out loud, “I wish I could have done more!”

I drove home that way, wiping away tears, thinking about what had just happened.

I never saw him again. There have been several times when I have found myself in that same area at that same time, but he’s not been there. I’ve sort of watched for him…I am convinced that there was something very special that happened that night. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to completely understand not only what happened, but also what it all meant. For now, I believe that I might have been tested in some way–and I hope that I was able to pass that test. I’ve read and have been told that it doesn’t happen at a convenient time, or when you are best able to cope with it…quite the opposite.

As for the Man in the Light–when I am experiencing trying and difficult times, I am aware of a strange presence, and I think of him. It’s as if someone is right there with me.

Perhaps he was some sort of angel…maybe He was even more than that.

Wow…it seems that I had LESS time this week than normal…I thought being on vacation meant having more free time…!

Flashing back a few days….

I still have not decided what I’m going to do…of course, NO decision IS a decision, and my original thoughts of spending several days along the Colorado River are pretty much out the door. I’m mildly upset about this…I spent a couple of days doing some “tasks” here to get ready for the trip, which ate up much of my time. I have a company vehicle I use for work, so I don’t drive my car all that often, just to run small errands around here. So, to go on a trip I needed to do some small repairs–went out and got tires, did some other stuff to make it more road-worthy–and now have too few days to enjoy the fruits of my labor, so to speak. Of course, the dividends paid later on when I DO decide to travel on a weekend will be worthwhile.

I was hoping to start at Laughlin and gradually end up in (lovely!) Blythe, CA, duplicating one of my Routes I had with previous jobs. When I used to go there years ago I would start at Laughlin, travel through Bullhead City, through Ft. Mohave…then Needles, CA and take I-40 to Lake Havasu…then on through Parker and end up in Blythe. Then it’s back home. I really like the Colorado River…it’s a beautiful jade green, and it’s the closest we have here in AZ to life on the beach, like the Florida keys or that state in general. Of course, there’s nothing like the ocean…but like I said, it’s the closest we have.

The comment in parentheses about Blythe, CA being lovely (!!) is particularly relevant if you’ve ever been there…it’s a not-too-attractive place. It’s a typical “transient” town…i.e., situated on an Interstate and on the edge of two states. I’ve always imagined visitors driving from back East to California, and the first town they see in that state of legend is Blythe, with its homeless people, its prison, its fast food restaurants and endless motels (indeed the town’s architecture is kind of interesting, although a lot of the better stuff is now abandoned and broken down). I should know…I did that while in college—drive to California from back East. I guess I expected suntanned babes, guys in offroad vehicles, and just generally a lot different than what is there. See, California is seen a lot different back East than it is here, than it REALLY is (I think New York City is looked upon the same way here). It is the place of Legend…fueled by endless Beach Boy songs and the television shows we grew up with…like “Dragnet”, “LA Law”, “Moonlighting”, “The Beverly Hillbillies”, and so on and on.

But instead in Blythe you have the “Mayor”, a locally-nicknamed homeless person whom my Mom nicknamed “Moses” when she first saw him last year. As I said before, I’ve been through Blythe many times in the course of two Route Sales jobs from 1995-99, and at every visit but one have I seen the “Mayor”. I’ve never talked to him or interacted with him in any way, though…he smells pretty bad and is kind of imposing. He carries a large walking stick, has matted hair and is kind of a big man…I’m not messing with someone who likely has an already bad attitude.

I did go to a Diamondbacks game this week, the last one before they renamed the stadium from Bank One Ballpark to Chase Field…it was almost as fulfilling and enjoyable as a vacation I might have embarked on.

Before the game I visited some places I used to visit when I lived in Phoenix years ago…this was the cause of some disappointment, which I will likely write about later.

And, moving back to the present…I wanted to spend an overnight in Globe AZ, to get away and kind of reflect on things. That didn’t happen, mostly due to getting back late Thursday night after the game and just not feeling like I wanted to drive another 150+ miles. Yeah yeah I know…me not want to drive? Please!

But it’s almost too much…one week off a year for a vacation (next year it will be two). The pressure to do something, ANYthing, to make it worthwhile. I don’t recall ever staying home for an entire vacation, as I did this year.

But there are things that are happening that are going to cause some changes…and there will be some traveling. Perhaps I will still be able to visit the Colorado River soon…and many other places as well.

Time will tell, as it’s been said…time will tell.

I am very angry…make that incredibly angry.

I’m also very disgusted.

I’ve been patiently waiting for all these feeling to subside…so I can write something intelligent here.

It’s been almost three weeks now…and it still hasn’t happened.

I don’t think it’s going to.

The question I keep asking myself is…HOW? How could we ever let this happen?

Forty-eight hours before it happened, we knew…and those we trusted did next to nothing.

We knew about where it was going to hit, to make landfall…it was so powerful that it didn’t really matter WHERE it hit. 

In My Humble Opinion, Hurricane Katrina–more precisely, the way we handled it (or even more precisely, DIDN’T)–makes New York’s 9/11 disaster in 2001 look less of a tragedy, if that’s even possible.

HOW? How could we ever let this happen?

While I do believe that we need to move ahead and stop finger-pointing…at some point, the question still must be answered….

HOW? How could we ever let this happen?

I feel the anger rising inside me again…I’m going to have to stop, for now. Still, I have gotten farther with this entry than I have with other attempts at it.

Still…all those people. All that needless tragedy. They waited, and waited…for help that came much too late for some of them.

Help that should’ve been there HOURS after Katrina hit…not days or WEEKS later!

Their government…OUR government…let them down. Allowed them to die, just as sure as if they had done the killing. If you know the outcome and do nothing…you are just as guilty as if YOU YOURSELF CAUSED that outcome.

PLEASE…give whatever you can to whichever charitable organization you choose (the Red Cross is MY best choice, as they seem to be doing the most good). But it only really matters that you give as generously as you can–your time, you blood, your monetary donation….

ALL THOSE PEOPLE…and all those poor animals, now abandoned, who also counted on us to take care of them….

HOW? How could we ever let this happen?

I’ve been doing some thinking.

For most people this is a good idea. I’m not sure…I think sometimes too much.

And, both meanings apply. “I think…sometimes too much”…”I think sometimes…too much.”  Though similar in meaning, these express very different ideas.

See what I mean? I overanalyze some things…messages, phone conversations, etc.

Make that…many things.

So…anyway, the subject of this most recent wave of overthinking is…relationships.

Why I’m presently not in one. Would I want to be in one? Why I’m often not happy when I am in one.

Will I ever have a good one again?

This last thought is particularly disturbing. I don’t necessarily question that there will be another one (or more), But will it be what I want?

Okay, you’re saying, so what is it that you want?

Hmmm…I don’t always know.

I mean, let’s get this straight. I’m not: flaky, low on self-esteem, looking for someone to make me whole. I don’t have commitment or intimacy issues.

Ideally, this is what I want. I want to love someone completely. I want them to love me completely, or at least—be willing to try.

“How Do I Live Without You”, by Leanne Rimes. That’s kinda how I want the other person to feel about me. NOT that they can’t breathe or eat or sleep without me…ugh of course not! That level of codependence scares the Hell out of me. Just that they would prefer NOT to.

More…that I am important. I matter.

It’s like the Holy Grail for me. I know it exists…I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it…and have had others feel the same way toward me.

So where are they now, you ask, these Others? Hmmm…good question. See, there’s this thing we have here, called Reality. Life. Circumstances Beyond Our Control.

They’re gone…such as they were. Not that there was that many, anyway.

And it’s not like I’m all that picky over things like physical appearance. It’s simple.

Please…be someone I’m going to enjoy looking at. Better still, be exciting to me. Make me think about what touching you, holding you, making love to you is going to be like.

And, you don’t have to have the “perfect body” for all this to happen, either…just one that I like. There’s a lot of latitude there.

And I will endeavour to be the same, to you.

But this is getting way off the subject.

These thoughts, they trouble me. I don’t believe that things happen by accident…that there is such a thing as coincidence. It’s my belief that there are reasons for things…and it is precisely these reasons that cause me to think sometimes too much.

I should just let things happen…but I’m too proactive for that. I want to try and make things happen…and some things just can’t be made to happen, that way.

So I just sort of flounder around. I get angry. I become sad. I feel lonely. I hurt.

Then I feel better…realizing that some faith is required. That it will work out. So I lift my head high…and I press on, day to day.

And you know…the thing that bothers me the most is…I don’t know why I feel this way…why this is all so important to me. Things come when you are not expecting them, I am told. So, I try and not expect them.

Ah, but whom am I fooling?

I suppose it’s time I wrote something more positive here, instead of lamenting about relationships and all that. About another thing that excites me, gives me passion, so to speak.

Let’s see…what shall I write about? Hmmmmm….

Well, I do have a “new addition” to my extended family, so to speak. My “family” of things made of semiconductors, chips, circuits, plastic, metal, wiring, and little square chiclet-shaped “keys” with numbers and letters on them.

Recently on eBay I purchased at auction a DataGeneral One Model 2T. This model–although 21 years old–did offer a hard drive as an option, making it a somewhat closer resemblance to the laptop as we know it today. Certainly better than the FIRST DataGeneral One laptop I purchased in May 1998.

I feel a story coming on….

Near the end of May 1998 I found myself in Parker, AZ on business…with one of the best jobs I have ever had. Wow, what promise with this one…working for a gentleman named Randy (some of you know about this already), doing essentially what was the job that first drew me into my present occupation in the first place.

For those who don’t know…I traveled; all over this state and its neighbors. I serviced and supplied grocery-type stores…still do. I just don’t travel all over any more. But…I told you all this already. (One more reason to Scroll Down and read everything.)

Anyway…I was at a computer shop in Parker. I really really wanted a laptop computer, and couldn’t afford a new one. Now, let me tell you that I was born to be around computers…but growing up, I HATED math and numbers. And, in college, working with computers meant making and assembling punch cards in the exact proper order (this was how you ran your program). I saw and watched my friends and what happened when the 1,072 punch cards weren’t in the EXACT proper order. That wasn’t for me. But, also in college, I saw a glimpse of what could be my future–my roommate Buz’s computer, an Apple IIe. Now, this was cool!

My first computer was a far cry from that, though…a Timex/Sinclair 1000 in 1981. Membrane keyboard (no keys)…a whopping 2 kilobytes with the optional Memory Expansion module. There were no real graphics, just black and white text through your friendly local television. But, it was a computer…!

And, I purchased (and still have) several Atari computers in the new few years, starting in 1983. These actually were REAL computers…not the toys they’re thought of today. I learned the language of BASIC and C+, and 7502 machine language (which is SO much faster, because it’s not an interpeter language, like BASIC, but direct commands that the computer understands instantly.) And, being picky I wrote my OWN games, as I wanted them to be a certain way, to play a certain way. I knew these machines inside and out…I gave advice to those who asked about them.

Then, I moved to Arizona. I spent less time inside, less time on the computer. It very rarely rains here…where I’m from it’s the opposite. There, when the sun is out, you go outside…I applied that same rule here. And, there was much to see in my New Home…so even at night I was Out, seeing and experiencing. Soon I put the computers away.

I had little contact with computers for the next eight or so years. It wasn’t until my ex-girlfriend Kerry used to come home and talk about what she had done at work on the computer–emails and Instant Messaging, and games—that I started to regain interest. And, our next-door neighbor worked for a large supplier of hardware and software, and she had a desktop computer that she often played games on. She would tell us what these were…I was VERY curious. But the final step in reviving my interest was when I was looking later on to do research on the laptop that I would get in Parker. I was at the Tempe library when I soon realized that I was going to have to use a computer there to go on the Internet and look stuff up. I had only the vaguest of notions as to what the Internet was, and I had NO IDEA how Windows worked or how to use it AT ALL…what was the mouse for? What were the icons on the screen? I was used to DOS-based text entry, not a Graphical User Interface like Windows. A nine-year-old boy there showed me how to use it. I was so embarrassed and full of shame…I was grateful to him, but the look on his face and the tone of his voice made me feel very ancient and out-of-touch. Antediluvian, even! I vowed from then on that I would learn this new way of computing…that I would absorb as much knowledge as I could, that I would again be the one that people would come to when they wanted advice or answers, just as before….

So…back to Parker. There was a used DataGeneral One laptop in that shop, and I really wanted something I could take with me and write stuff. This was an OLD laptop, from the early 80s. Later on I learned that it was, as PC Magazine would say, “the first real self-contained laptop”.

It was DOS-based…which meant no Windows as an Operating System. That was fine with me…as I said, at that point I knew nothing about Windows. It cost me $100. I was lied to about some things that I could do with it. For example…it did NOT have a hard drive, necessitating that I load the software EACH TIME I wanted to use it. And, the battery was no good (a word to those buying ANYTHING used—do your research FIRST, BEFORE you buy). But it didn’t matter…it was a laptop, and it was MINE.

(Upon learning that most of what I’d been told was not true I wrote a letter asking for some sort of credit or refund…seems kind of naïve now. No response ever arrived, and the owner did not take phone calls…although through another employee I was told that I was “misinformed” in my account of what he had said. The next trip through was about 5 weeks later and the store was now under new ownership. Soon after that it was gone completely, becoming a saddle and leather shop.)

It would cost an additional $85 to have a battery place construct one for me. And I had to find OLD word processing software that was compatible, which wasn’t readily available OR cheap. And, there was no hard drive…this meant that when the computer was restarted it was essentially a rock, and anything you were working on had to be reloaded–from scratch, so to speak. Imagine if when you woke up everything you knew was all gone…only after putting on special headphones for 10-20 minutes each morning did you get it all back; and you had to do this all over again when you awoke each and every day…and any time you went to sleep, even for a few moments.

But I COULD WRITE…the way I imagined I should be writing, using a portable word processor…there were lots of ideas I had (and some I still do). I knew in the back of my mind there was something better ahead…but for now, I was very pleased.

In fact, it wasn’t until October that I would get a “real” laptop…a Toshiba 105CS. And even this one didn’t have a cd-rom drive or a sound card, so it was limited as well. But I was on my way.

And, that’s the end of this part of the story. In August 1998 the brother of my best friend would come to Phoenix on business…he would build a computer from scratch for Kerry and I, from mostly used parts.

I would discover places where I could get these used parts, and cheap…I would build my own computers. The period from July 1999 to June 2000 would be an exciting time for me in this regard. It was like a whole new world of puzzles and problems to solve…some would say it was almost like learning a new language.

This type of experience would repeat from September 2002 to March 2003, when this excitement reoccurred…but this time with Macintosh computers.

Those are other stories, though. Thanks for taking the time to read this one, about one of my passions…albeit a sort of different one.

Today marks the seventh anniversary of the passing of a dear friend.

I don’t want to spend too much time on this…I’ll write more on it later, I’m sure. Even though it has been that long, I will become consumed with grief. Still. But it would not be fair to him to not mention how much he is missed.

There are stories throughout history of man’s closeness to certain animals…how these creatures somehow transcend the barrier between man and beast.

Khi Nutzho was such an entity.

Brought to our house as a stray cat in 1984, Khi came with me from Pennsylvania to Arizona in 1987. He was my closest friend, and often a great pain in my existence, as well.

He passed away on this day, July 14 1998, at about 2 am. He had recurring problems with his colon…it would become flaccid, and stool would back up. He had two trips to the vet for this condition. After the first one we were advised that he should have an operation to remove the flaccid portion.

I mulled over this decision.

I traveled much in those days. I could not watch him as much as I should have…I trusted others to do that for me. So I could not be sure that it was not going to happen again…was he eating? Was he able to use the litter box and successfully pass his solid waste?

About six months later it did occur again…this time much more seriously, as it had been causing a stool backup for about six weeks. He turned yellow, as jaundice and liver disease set in. Such an operation was not possible now…at least, until the liver disease was alleviated. The vet did not have anyone there to watch him overnight…so we brought him home that evening…and he never recovered.

He died in my arms. I said, “God, do what you want to me…but don’t take away my ‘little boy’.” 

But He did.

I administered CPR, and actually brought him back for a few seconds. But he cried…he cried out to let him go. And, then he was gone.

A few nights later my work took me to Ajo. I sat outside my motel room in the dark, drinking to help relax and soothe the pain. As I began to slip into a sort of twilight unconsciousness I thought I saw him…he was running toward me, meowing and calling out for me.

How I wished it was him!

I have tears in my eyes now as I write this. I miss him so.

Perhaps someday we will be reunited…until then, God bless you, my close friend.

“Still is the life

Of your room when you’re not inside

And all of your things

Tell the sweetest storyline

Your tears on these sheets

And your footsteps down the hall

Tell me what I did

I can’t find when the moment went wrong at all

You can be mad in the morning

I’ll take back what I said

Just don’t leave me alone here

It’s cold, baby

Come back to bed

What will this fix?

You know you’re not a quick forgive

And I won’t sleep through this

I survive on the breath you’re finished with

You can be mad in the morning

I’ll take back what I said

Just don’t leave me alone here

It’s cold, Baby

Come back to bed

You can be mad in the morning

Or the afternoon instead

But don’t leave me

98 and 6 degrees of separation from you, baby

Come back to bed

Don’t hold your love over my head.”

—John Mayer, “Come Back to Bed’ (from the CD “Heavier Things”)

One afternoon two songs I had never heard before came on the radio just as I arrived at the Bookman’s on Grant Road in Tucson. It was mid-August 2004…I sat patiently as the engine idled, the air conditioning doing its job and keeping me cool. The first was “Grey Street”, by the Dave Matthews Band. Someday I will write more about why that song is so important…let’s just say it perfectly describes an ex-girlfriend. “There’s an emptiness inside her, and she’ll do anything to fill it up.” There’s more too…as I said, another time. But I didn’t know that there could be a better song that this one to describe her.

Ah, except for this one. OMG…did John Mayer date her too? Did he know someone else that DID?

There had to be a hundred, a thousand times when this could’ve been my theme song, at night or anytime…”come back to the CAR”…”come back to the TABLE”…”come back to the LIVING ROOM.”

Taken together, I was given cause to stop…to ponder, to consider. Two songs, appearing together randomly…but describing the relationship I had just been in perfectly.

When both songs had played I shut the car off and went into the store. But I never forgot….

Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is just coincidence. I was fortunate that day to be able to listen, to allow me to get a better understanding—a new perspective—on something I was still trying to understand.

I am always watching out for such opportunities. They’re there…every day. Every single day.

(I’ve been meaning to get this revision done and on here….)

It’s not hard to see exactly how and when it all happened…one moment I was going along with my life pretty much the way I wanted it, with a few exceptions; then everything turned upside-down.

Exactly when it all happened is not that important, chronologically. Let’s just say it was the night of the Telephone Call, when for just a few seconds I thought I might have called the wrong number.

You could say that it was the start of one of the most unsettling times of my life. And hey, that takes in a lot of ground. I mean, my father died in July 1971. That was a tough month…Hell, a tough year…maybe more than just that. A close friend died in a car crash in June 1980. In August 1984 during one two-week period I lost, in no particular order, my job, my apartment, and my girlfriend. As I said, in no particular order…like the order would matter somehow.

There was the six-month period some time back when I thought I could be facing some pretty serious legal trouble…when I honestly did not know what my future held…for a false confession that was forced out of me while under duress, with no lawyer present, so the bastard who was then my boss could save his job. Hey, we learn by doing.

Well, let me tell ya, this event gets its place Right Up There. I mean, when you’ve gotten close to the flame a few times earlier, and you’ve counted yourself lucky to escape intact, well….

Well.

This most recent brush with a special time–and special feelings–is what I think really got me. I was going along with my life pretty much the way I wanted it, with a few exceptions…but I told you all that already.

I honestly thought I was done. Thought I had put to rest all that stuff, from before.

My eyes had been reopened…those feelings, well, I reckon they woke up. I don’t know that I’ll ever be done…at least, completely. I mean, how special was that time we spent? More to the point, how important was the time that we could’ve, should’ve, spent…?

We may never know the answer to those questions.

But that night, when it all turned around….

I was always afraid that it would happen, what I found out that night. Knew it would broadside me, despite any distance I had tried to maintain. Embers, like I said in a previous entry…some torches and embers don’t ever extinguish.

Despite my best efforts I could not go back to that old existence, just minutes before that telephone call on that fateful night…and, not even sure that I would want to. How empty life seemed then, in retrospect!

And, I always believed there was some reason we have still tried to keep in contact. I’ve got friends that I was once close to that I never talk with anymore—both here and far away. I’ve sent email to others, and get them bounced back…that email address doesn’t exist anymore. Or they just don’t respond.

But that’s not true with us. We still somehow never stray too far…it’s like we are bound together by Fate, or some otherwordly thing like that. And it’s not just one of us…we EACH have made efforts to stay in touch.

I believe that for each of us on this world, our destinies are already sort of pre-written for us…but we can change them. Maybe we can realize our mistakes…maybe we can fix them. And maybe it’s never too late.

“Once upon a time when we were friends,

I gave you my heart, the story ends…

No happy ever after—now we’re friends.

Wish upon a star if that might help;

(The stars collide with you beside…)

Wish upon a star if that might help….

What’s it like to have loved and to lose her touch?

What’s it like to have loved and to lose that much?

Well I hope and I pray that maybe someday you’ll walk in the room with my heart,

Add and subtract but as a matter of fact, now that you’re gone I still want you back…

Remembering, surrendering; remembering that part—

All of my heart.”

–“All Of My Heart”, ABC